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ChangingMinds Blog! > Blog Archive > 02-Feb-07

Monday 05-February-07

Teenage trouble 

I've written about my daughter's success more than once in recent times but have been sadly silent about my son, who will be 18 on Thursday. This is odd, as he has been on my mind a great deal.  Perhaps the reason I have not blogged on it is that there is little to boast about and things have been said and done that are deeply saddening.

He spent the last school year, pretending to work and spending god knows how many hours on the internet. His reward was a month-long holiday trekking in Africa. He was supposed to get a job and pay for half, but didn't (many excuses).

We hoped that seeing the world and then the shock of terrible exam results would help him grow up, and we persuaded the school to let him re-take the year. Yet whilst there has been some improvement in work, it may not be enough and the deception has continued such that we cannot really tell whether anything he says is true or not.

The computer and the internet still seem to be at the core of things and we have steadily clamped down on it. Problems have continued in one form or another, including things too difficult to mention. Most recently, he went through his sister's things when she was away, taking what he wanted, then saying he had been given them. When she discovered this she felt abused and defiled and unsurprisingly went incandescent and then very, very cold. He realized he had crossed a line and apologized abjectly, but after years of hurt, it was no longer enough and their relationship may be irreparably harmed.

After much thought we have decided to now cut off the internet altogether. He will object, no doubt, and maybe seek revenge. Yet he has already hurt this family so much already, blaming us for many of his ills and bringing shame through his actions.

If he wants to restore something of his sister's respect, the best thing he can do is knuckle down hard, really hard, and get excellent exam results, but I just don't know if he will do this.

One of the most frustrating things for me is that, whilst I have significant understanding of changing minds, my own son is so difficult. There is perhaps cold comfort in the fact that my wife, who is a teacher with a specialism in troubled teenage boys, has the same problem. Like many parents, we don't know what the right thing to do is, and so do what we can and hope for the best.

And yet there is hope. Now and again we see the kind, thoughtful and funny person inside. Will that true person emerge, or will the dark side persist? Only time will tell.

-- o --

Coda: We planned to have a family conference to discuss events and get things out in a safe environment. He pre-empted this by declaring he was leaving home, with nowhere to go. This would be the end of his formal education and the start of another education so harsh it would probably break him. We talked him down in a painful conversation where he, as usual, was the centre of attention but contributed little. There was talk of him rebuilding respect by working more, yet he subsequently went out and spent the evening playing video games. When I tried to talk with him he was back in the arrogant, sullen persona that is his suit of armour.

I am left feeling more desperate than ever, as is his mother. Que sera, but I fear it will not be good.

Your comments

Well, that seems to be the real learning process. One have to experience everything oneself. You can talk and persuade but its just temporary effect ... ?

-- Ales

Dave replies:
I hope that some things will sink in eventually. I do think he'll turn out ok eventually, but I fear he'll blow his education in the learning process.

I was given the link to your excellent Syque site by a friend recently. Well, from there, I stumbled my way up to your blog, and discovered this story.

First of all, I'm sorry for your troubles.
I can imagine how distressing it must be for you, as a parent, to see your child make the wrong choices.

I wish I had an excellent course of action for you, guaranteed to cure what is wrong. But all I can offer is gratuitous advice. I'm no psychologist, but I can try to give you my take on this, from my limited experience of life. I'm sure its all stuff you already know, but if it even helps a little, Ill consider it to have been worthwhile.

When one is doing well, success builds upon success. But when one is in a rut of failure, it tends to spiral and also build upon itself. The worst part of all this, is damage to self esteem. I've seen absolutely brilliant people fail in life, because they couldn't for the life of themselves, recognise that they were gods among men, in terms of raw capability.

Lack respect for yourself, fuels self destructive activity. Be it relatively benign activity, such as spending your time on video games instead of more productive pursuits (and this is mostly because these more worthwhile activities, such as studying, seem to aspire to a success which is unattainable by one), or be it drugs (which hopefully your son has not exposed himself to), or alcohol, or any number of other things. Depression follows with almost assured certainty.

I would hazard a guess that failing in exams, and far more importantly, failing in your eyes has taken its toll on your son's self esteem.

The only answer is for him to find a way OUT of the rut of failure. Even ONE success can reawaken the realization that he is a bright, intelligent, competent and good person, worthy of all the best things in life. And that the world is full of excellent opportunities, far more worthwhile than some stupid game that'll be out of date in a month or two.

As a parent, its hard to let go. But there is truth in the old maxim, "you can take a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink". I say, DON’T indulge the child who wants to be told what to do, so he can blame his misfortunes on others. My dad always made it clear to me, that he loved me, no matter who I was- a success, or a screw-up--and that it was up to me what I would be! It was a blow.
I was robbed of all the luxury of wondering what I wanted, and being angsty. My life was in my own hands. An enormous responsibility.

I'm sure that an experienced professional such as yourself will be able to encourage the responsible young adult who knows what's best for himself (though of course, its so easy to seem patronising in the eyes of an unhappy teenager).

When we realize that our future is in our own hands, that we are not sheltered, that our destiny is of our own creation- we generally make the right decision.

The future sometimes looks bleak when we don’t see all the good that it holds.

I'm sorry this message is somewhat disjointed, it was written on the fly.

I do hope that every thing works our for you, and your family, and that your son realises that these are some of the best years of his life, and that he should get off his rear, and go out and meet them with a cheery disposition. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy.

Warm Regards

-- AS

Dave replies:
It's a wise reply and thank you very much. I do try to give him opportunities for success but believe that, for esteem, he must pick up the baton himself.  I also do look for things to praise him for, but there are also relatively few things here. He knows we love him. He also knows that laziness is not an acceptable place in this house.

Over the past few days, since the internet has been off, he has been much nicer and worked harder. I suspect there's an addiction pattern at play here.

I think he'll turn out ok. His sister at his age was a terror, but now is a well-qualified and successful businesswoman. I know that's no guarantee, but it does give us hope.

An interesting and sad story. Your situation is one that repeats itself everywhere - no matter what theories there are humans are so complex and have motivations that are often not apparent to ourselves even.

Just some initial ponderings:
It would be very hard living up to a family of achievers - your son, may just be having some time out from your stress on results and not being "lazy" as you put it. Perhaps you may all benefit from some meditation or yoga etc to ponder on how people are different and that what your goals may not be right for your son - at this time.

Your definition of success may be narrow as well - you mention that your daughter is a successful business woman so she has turned out okay - but is she really happy? Is she contributing to the world in a way that truly satisfies? Perhaps she is and that would be fantastic to combine success in both personal and 'professional'/occupational life.

You mention that you have not mentioned your son much in the past but have lauded your daughter - doesn't that show such disrespect of your son as an individual - there must be something you can find to be proud of - that he is great on some internet games for instance - this is a skill too. what about other interests that he has or had had when a little boy - nature? movies? the environment? ...

It seems sad that in such a competitive environment, for one to be successful others have to fail - for one to do well in exams, others have to do poorly...obviously someone's son or daughter will be the ones who do poorly...perhaps it is the competitive system that is at fault rather than the individuals who choose not to partake in such "sorting" activities.

Your language is too deterministic - such as your sons and his sisters relationship may be lost forever - that is a long time, and your son isn't even an adult yet. From your language it seems that they have not got on for some time - perhaps it is time for some psychological counselling to help the family towards some respect for each other as individuals with their own path to fulfilment?

Personally I like family systems therapists, but there are many different theories and types, and sometimes you just have to search around to get the one that suits all.

All the best, hope these ramblings have been useful, H.M

-- Heather

Dave replies:
Thanks, Heather, for your thoughtful comments. My ranting here does not reflect my language with my son. I do look for ways to praise him every day. I try hard not to be a pushy parent (and sometimes wonder if I have not pushed enough). I believe in offering opportunities but not force-feeding. My daughter is happy enough -- as all early jobs, it's up and down. All I want for my children is that they are independent and happy. My wife and I practiced Tai Chi for many years and now incorporate principles in living. I've also been trained in counselling. Is the family responsible in some ways? Yes. Am I? Yes. Do we work on it? Yes. We use blameless in-family talking sessions to air issues rather than repress. And it's still hard.

 Like other folks, my heart goes out to you and your wife. Having suffered and survived the teenage heebie jeebies with a daughter, I wish I could offer the answers. Recently found a wonderful book of parenting called "Parenting with Love and Logic". Has one specially for the teenage variety of kids. Anyway, what is so powerful and helpful, is that it foils the "blame it on someone else" syndrome and it eliminates the anger thing on the part of parents. Give it a read and it will click or not.
PS: I am on this blog because I am checking a reference that a student provided in a paper :)

-- Janet

Dave replies:
Thanks, Janet. I'll look out for it. At the moment everything is ok. He's just turned 18 and we've given him 'adult responsibility' for revising for his exams, which means we will support him but will make no suggestions that could be interpreted as parental pressure. I hope he'll get there. In the end it's his life and he must learn the law of responsibility and consequence.

 Dear Dave:

Just arrived at your blog. There can be a beginning, a middle, a near-the-end and an end of a project, job, state of understanding, or whatever. What if you, your wife and daughter are in the middle, but your son is at the end? Your son may be in a state of transition, while the rest of you are not.

Perhaps you are at different points, so you have different understanding or understandings. You are an engineer, your wife is a teacher, your daughter is in business. What if your son is an artist, and only senses at this point a creative urge, but does not yet know what or where it is or how to express it. He may need to sink within himself in order to change his perspective or point of view, and that will refresh him. Is he musical? Does he write? Buy him an instrument and a nice journal and fountain pen. Maybe he can appreciate the abstract, while his family members appreciate something else.

-- John Williamson

Dave replies:
Thanks, John. He is certainly trying to figure himself out in some ways. He would like to be an artist and draws a lot. We encourage him to express himself but he is not a good artist. He could be musical. We bought him a guitar at Christmas but it got played little. I think he'd like to be able to play but lacks the motivation to learn. He has a good pen and can write very well when he chooses, but this is infrequent.

Update: we have removed the computer from his life and his behaviour has significantly improved. The vitriol has largely gone. He has also turned 18 and some more of the responsibilities of adulthood has sunk in, I think.

 Applying logic to teenagers can sometimes be...well illogical. However, just because someone has illogical behaviour doesn't mean that he is excused from accountability. I've always been a huge advocate of wayward teens getting a job. Your family will forgive many transgressions that an employer will not. I never liked being dependent on my parents, so I started 2 successful businesses even before I got a job mowing lawns, landscaping, and the like. I rarely met any of my family's unrealistic expectations, but now enjoy a much better life for myself having worked as an engineer for the past 10 years. Sometimes, it's best just to set boundaries and stick to them. Keeping the plug pulled on the computer is a very good start. Just as few neighbourhood football players are good enough for the World Cup, few gamers are good enough to compete or program new games.

-- Martin

Dave replies:
Martin: do you want a job - as a son? I have tried getting my son to find work, from washing cars to working in a games shop. But all I get are excuses and I know enough not to push. I've also shown him the rudiments of programming in the hope that he's find interest there, but no.

I'm now pretty bereft of ideas. He just rolls downhill. Without computer games he watches TV, and without that he just sits there. He's had medical attention and is not depressed. And any attempt to talk with him is met with appalling unpleasantness. It just seems like an extended period of the Teenage Troubles. Sorry to go on about it, but that's partly what a blog is for and expressing my feelings helps, as does the kind thoughts from people around the world like you.

I don't think he is bad and still have hope that he will wake up one day, but I cannot see it before the horizon. I fear he will fall further before he turns the corner. See more recent notes at Reality blindness.

 I feel your pain - literally. I have a son who will be 18 in a couple of months and he has shown a lot of the same apparent lack of motivation/passion for life as your son. A bright and capable guy, my boy seems to have squandered too much of his youth on a similar style of laziness. Added to this sad scenario, he has now discovered the opposite sex in a rather unwholesome way, which he is unable to or uninterested in controlling. This is now leading him further away from school work, a normal family life, or anything resembling a bright future. The most passionate thing going for him now is his desire to rebel against mom and dad. He has "run away" a few times now only to return in progressively declining condition. Sex, drugs, late night hours, unsavory associates, disrespect and just plain ignorance are what seem to rule his existence now. Plenty of people will say that this is just a phase lots of kids go through. Part of me believes this too as I have an unexplainable faith that he will turn out OK -eventually. I guess this is part of what Jung calls the individuation process.
In the meantime, I just want him to survive long enough to discover what his life could really be about.
As I see that your original post is well over a year old now, please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

-- Manuel

Dave replies (May-08):
It's almost like a disease, isn't it, Manuel? And the 'will he survive' question has been in my mind more than once. Thankfully, my son does not seem to have got into drugs. I wrote a more recent blog on 'the story so far', though since then he has improved a lot -- the real difference was when he got a job. We had a 'no internet until you've held down a job for a month' rule, which seems to have helped a lot. He has lapses but is much more civil now. I think it's partly to do with self-respect and partly to do with having to be pleasant to people all day has led him to appreciate others more.

We've had a philosophy of keeping the communications channel open and, whilst not accepting bad behaviour, we have (mostly) not responded to anger with anger. His older sister, who he respects, has helped too. She can be more direct with him and he has listened more to her. In any case, we have our fingers crossed for him.

i don't offer my opinion but rather, an acknowledgement of the situation. I am 15, and in my household.. i see the same, accept my older brother is having problems.. and i am doing well. But i have something that i dont show. This is that.. i sometimes feel sick from worrying about him, and i feel so sad for him and living up to the goal my mum has set isn't easy, it feels like the only thing that matters to her is that i am successful from other peoples eyes, and not happy in myself which seems to me, to be more important.
My brother hasn't got a job. He has alcohol problems and so much more. It is hard for my parents i know, because there is a language barrier between them and their children. this makes it hard for any one of us to come to them with our problems.
Also being the youngest makes me the last one out of home, the last child. I think my parents, especially mum is having trouble dealing with this. She is going through a crisis of her own i suspect. Even though i want to help her. My relationship with her isn't that strong and sometimes i find it easier to cut her out of my life for a day or two, just so i can get away from all the stress. Its hard both ways.
Not to mention the school environment stress.
Its not easy.

-- Ania

Dave replies (Jun08):
Hi Ania. Many sympathies. I wasn't too rebellious as a child myself but remember well the problems my parents had with my sisters. They turned out ok, though at the time I wondered what I should do. In a more recent blog I noted that my son has improve hugely after getting a job. He's not perfect but I think the job has done a lot for his self-respect -- and that's a key part of it all. When teenagers are rebelling, it's not really about other people it's about them, and what's going on in their heads.

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